Oh traffic. It’s actually not a problem at all. People love it. People have to have something to complain about and what greater thing that also has an element of government involvement? They can complain about their miserable existence and the government all at the same time.
Let’s face it, most people love to use the excuse. “I got stuck in traffic.” Yeah, that’s why I couldn’t show up on time or at all. Or that’s why I can’t go. Traffic. Sucks.
People love traffic. They embrace it everyday. If they hated it so much they’d get jobs closer to home. Don’t tell me they can’t. The terrible truth is that most people don’t have a life, so getting stuck in traffic puts off the inevitable, daily terror of actually having to go to their pathetic dwellings and follow through their lonely existence with the knowledge that tomorrow they will get back into their vehicles and once again join the rest of society’s minions who must work for a living, commute, and get stuck in traffic. Traffic acts as both a scapegoat for their misery and a kind of solace. After all, people love their cars. As Gary Numan told us back in the 80’s, “here in my car, I feel safest of all.”
It’s now time to ditch the tie. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about men’s wear. This is the necktie. This is that noose that men think is cool to wear because they can afford a nice silk one with lots of different colors. That’s right. Ditch it. Throw them all away. This isn’t about burning bras. Women need those undergarments to keep themselves in place. Ties are completely unnecessary and, moreover, do nothing but risk cutting off the circulation to the brain. No wonder women accuse men of thinking with other parts of their anatomy. The brain is starving and the blood goes elsewhere.
Where did the tie even come from? Who thought to themselves, hey I’ve got an idea – I want to look clever, so why don’t I tie something around my neck? Well, apparently, the early version of the tie, the kravata, came from Croatian mercenaries who were stationed in Paris by the Holy Roman Empire during the Thirty Years War. The Thirty Years War, in case you’ve never heard of it, started in 1618. Yeah, that was a long time ago. As rough and ready as these soldiers were, apparently they used the worst intimidation tactic of all: picturesque scarves around their necks. French men were so impressed by the neckwear of these brawny toughs that they started wearing them and pretty soon Louis XIV got in on the act.
But you can’t blame this on the French. Long before that, China’s first emperor (circa 221BC), Quin Shi Huang, led hordes of what have become known as the ‘Terracotta Warriors’ who wore silk cords around their necks as signifiers of their ‘elite’ status.
And never mind the intrinsically phallic nature of the necktie, hanging there for the world to know – hey, look, it’s a guy.
Today, men across the world with blood-starved brains strap these things around their neck in order to look ‘ready for business’ or to impress their dates. More than a fashion, this practice has evolved (wide ties, thin ties, leather ties, silk ties…), and is, sadly, seen as an ironclad necessity to men’s wardrobes. Enough. The time has come to stand up, take off the ties, take them off the racks, and throw them in the dirt. Stomp up and down. Repeat as desired. Stop starving your brains, men. Ditch the tie. You can be a man with it.