It’s now time to ditch the tie. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about men’s wear. This is the necktie. This is that noose that men think is cool to wear because they can afford a nice silk one with lots of different colors. That’s right. Ditch it. Throw them all away. This isn’t about burning bras. Women need those undergarments to keep themselves in place. Ties are completely unnecessary and, moreover, do nothing but risk cutting off the circulation to the brain. No wonder women accuse men of thinking with other parts of their anatomy. The brain is starving and the blood goes elsewhere.
Where did the tie even come from? Who thought to themselves, hey I’ve got an idea – I want to look clever, so why don’t I tie something around my neck? Well, apparently, the early version of the tie, the kravata, came from Croatian mercenaries who were stationed in Paris by the Holy Roman Empire during the Thirty Years War. The Thirty Years War, in case you’ve never heard of it, started in 1618. Yeah, that was a long time ago. As rough and ready as these soldiers were, apparently they used the worst intimidation tactic of all: picturesque scarves around their necks. French men were so impressed by the neckwear of these brawny toughs that they started wearing them and pretty soon Louis XIV got in on the act.
But you can’t blame this on the French. Long before that, China’s first emperor (circa 221BC), Quin Shi Huang, led hordes of what have become known as the ‘Terracotta Warriors’ who wore silk cords around their necks as signifiers of their ‘elite’ status.
And never mind the intrinsically phallic nature of the necktie, hanging there for the world to know – hey, look, it’s a guy.
Today, men across the world with blood-starved brains strap these things around their neck in order to look ‘ready for business’ or to impress their dates. More than a fashion, this practice has evolved (wide ties, thin ties, leather ties, silk ties…), and is, sadly, seen as an ironclad necessity to men’s wardrobes. Enough. The time has come to stand up, take off the ties, take them off the racks, and throw them in the dirt. Stomp up and down. Repeat as desired. Stop starving your brains, men. Ditch the tie. You can be a man with it.