Alternate Reality Last Episode of Seinfeld

Seinfeld fans nearly universally agree that the final episode of the series left a lot to be desired.  The whole cast goes to jail?  Weak stuff.  Especially considering how great it could have been.  And I don’t mean Jerry and Elaine finally get back together, get married, and have kids with Kramer moving in next door and George happy in the role of godfather to Jerry’s kids.  No, Seinfeld fans knew not to expect some traditional, romantic, happy ending.  Seinfeld is about snap, not sap.  So, in the interest of a second chance, I offer the following as an…

 Alternate Reality Last Episode of Seinfeld

 The underlying premise of this final episode is that Seinfeld is taking its place among the popular television shows the late 20th Century.  It is a surreal, yet hilarious melding of pop iconography. 

 The show opens in its normal mode, but it quickly becomes evident that the cast now have all the means to make their dearest dreams come true.  Elaine, for her work on the amazingly popular ‘Suburban Sombrero’ receives a fortune in royalties from J. Peterman.  Jerry and George receive huge advances from NBC for their ‘Show About Nothing’ idea.  Kramer has gained millions in royalties of his own for his ‘Coffee Table Coffee Table Book’.  Newman, on the other hand, is desperate to change his life direction and seeks to join a shadowy corner of the Federal espionage machine.

Kramer decides that he wants to make people’s dreams come true.  Along with his little friend, he decides to buy a resort island.  Pretty soon he is donning a white suit and greeting his visitors by saying, “Welcome to Fantasy Island’.  His friend, stationed at the island’s light house always shouts down to him “Boss… deeee plane… deee plane!!”

George has an assignment with the Yankees and is off on what seems to be a wild goose chase looking for a lost shipment of uniforms.  He gets a tip that they have been stored at an old abandoned air-field somewhere outside the city.  He finds himself in a dark and desolate place.  Suddenly, his car breaks down.  Engine trouble.  There is a haunted-looking mansion on the hill.  Reluctantly he approaches it and rings the mysterious door bell.  A gong sounds.  A wispy, pale-skinned, woman with long, black hair answers the door.  “Fester!” she cries.  “Wherever have you been?  Come in, come in.  You look absolutely grotesque.  I love it!!”  George is last seen, alongside his newfound clan, the Addams, wearing a monk’s robe, having shaved his remaining hair, and holding a lit light bulb in his mouth.

Elaine decides that her life is meaningless and she wants to adopt children.  A worker at J. Peterman has recently been killed in a terrible car crash, leaving behind three daughters.  Feeling this maternal yearning she has never felt before, she decides they will become hers.  At the adoption agency, she meets an amazingly handsome, kind, and caring man.  She falls in love instantly.  He, as it turns out, is adopting three boys, who have turned orphans under similar circumstances.  His last name?  Brady.  We see Elaine smiling happily at the doorstep of the famous Brady house, along with a kindly old housekeeper named Alice.

Newman tells Kramer before he leaves that he has a secret meeting with a Federal agent.  He cannot reveal where he will be going or what he will be doing.  At the meeting, no faces are shown.  Just shadows.  The voice of Dirk Benedict is heard.  “You realize Mr. Newman that if you join our team, there will be constant danger.”  Newman responds, “I’m counting on it.”  Next, we see him standing on a street corner in the city.  A black van swerves around a corner and screeches to a stop beside him.  The door of the van opens.  Mr. T. says, “Don’t just stand there fool!  We’ve got work to do.”  He pulls Newman into the van and it screeches off into the night.

Taking a cue from Kramer, Jerry wants an island of his own.  His original plan is to take a three hour tour of some islands just off the coast that are potentially for sale.  However, that plan falls through due to a giant shark attack.  So, he takes a small, charter plane.  From the cockpit of the plan he spies, to his surprise, a small uncharted island, when suddenly the plane’s engine chokes out.   Fortunately, he and the pilot have parachutes.  Unfortunately, as the two are jumping out to safety and the plane plummets to the sea, the pilot’s parachute fails to open.  Jerry meanwhile is picked up by the wind and carried to this lonely island, landing on its forgotten beach.  There he meets a thin, red-shirted man wearing a white sailor’s cap who is doing his best to catch fish.  He is accompanied by six others, all of whom come from different walks of life.  All have been stranded on the island for quite some time.  The man’s name is Gilligan.

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